Introduction
		The Impact of Sexual Abuse
		Women Perpetrators
		Impact on Relationships
		Treatment

Other Writings

		Sex and Shame
		Bed Death
		Open Relationships
		Recreating Family at Work
		Books

Introduction


What is sexual abuse?

"Sexual abuse refers to any sexual assault or sexual exploitation of a child or adolescent. Sexual abuse is an issue of power and control. The essence of child sexual abuse is the exploitation of a child for the purpose of satisfying an adult."

How as a society do we create or allow sexual abuse?

There are several factors that are the basis for creating the atmosphere that allows child abuse:

• Seeing children as property: As long as they are seen and treated as possessions they are vulnerable to being objectified and used to meet an adults needs.

• Teaching children they are helpless and not to question authority. This is a set up to keep them powerless and consequently to create victims. If they see themselves as powerless as children this self-belief will often translate into adulthood.

• Sexual entitlement is about adults who feel that what ever they want or need to satisfy them sexually, they are entitled to, regardless of who or what it hurts. This is a rationalization that leads to abuse, rape and other many crimes.

• Shroud of Secrecy around sex: Probably the major reason that children are used to meet adult’s sexual needs is the shroud around sex and sexuality that we have created in our society. Many believe that if we teach children the truth about the mechanics of sex that we are telling them to have sex. Congress has repeatedly denied funds for a major research study on the sexuality of Americans because they don't want any information that is going to contradict their fantasies about sex and sexuality. Information is dangerous and in a sense it is. It destroys myths, it allows people to make choices, it allows people to grow up and act as adults rather than keep them as shameful children around sex and sensuality. 


What is the problem?

"Men who were raped or sexually abused as children face a unique set of problems. For men, identifying particular acts as abusive is especially difficult because men are expected to be able to protect themselves. Admitting to a situation in which they were unable to do so is tantamount to denying their masculinity. Disclosing an abusive sexual experience also is difficult. If the sexual contact was with a woman, the man's motives become suspect because men are expected to value sexual contact with women. If the unwanted sexual contact was with another male, the man is told that this contact has altered his sexual orientation. Men who have been raped or abused face another problem as well in that abuse and rape are historically defined as an act that men perpetrate against females."



How is sexual abuse of boys seen?

Since boys are socialized that to be men they cannot be victims, they have a tendency to either minimize abuse or deny it all together. Hazing, sexual initiation and punishment are rationalizations for abusing boys. If a 15 girl has sex with a 32 year-old man we call that rape or abuse. Reverse the gender and suddenly the boy is lucky to be initiated. It is easier for many to identify if the boy is really young. Forced exposure, body and genital examinations are all humiliations and teaches children to be ashamed of their bodies. Punishing a child with sexual overtones is a set up for shame and masochism.

We as a society have finally begun to talk about sexual abuse. While the majority of the discussion has been about sexually abused girls we are slowly beginning to acknowledge and discuss the sexual abuse of boys. There are many dysfunctional men because they were used as sexual objects and are to ashamed to admit it and have never been able to understand why it hurt and confused them so much. This is a very difficult topic for many people. I encourage you to continue reading this and to ask questions. I will do my best to answer them or refer you to some place that can. 




The Impact of Sexual Abuse: Short and Long Term



After a boy has been sexually abused there is generally a change is in personality. Behavioral changes can range from unusual acting out to being very aggressive and violent. The world has become a more threatening place and he is more vulnerable. He is trying to defend himself. 


There are likely to be emotional changes as well. An open, out-going boy may suddenly become quiet, passive, and invisible. It may be obvious that he no longer feels good about himself. There is a self-perception of being damaged or broken. His sense of personal power has been taken away. 


Often there are physical signs of sexual abuse as well. There may be physical damage from any forced penetration, such as anal tears, resulting in constipation or encopresis. Sleep disturbances such as nightmares, regressive behaviors such as bed-wetting or loss of bowel control, and anxiety or the sudden appearance of phobias may also occur. Any sudden and dramatic change in behavior or mood in a child should be investigated and understood. 



There are both short and long terms effects on boys who have been abused. In the short term you may see inappropriate sexual behavior, sexually assaulting other children, hypersexuality, and gender confusion. Longer-term effects can include depression, physical aliments, negative effects on self-esteem or their sense of self, or a negative impact on interpersonal relationships. An inability to trust or feel safe with others, especially when intimacy is involved is often the result of having been sexually abused. His sexuality is going to be impacted. Many victims are stuck at the sexual emotional age at the time of the initial assault. The assault and subsequent feelings are what represent sex to them. 



In my experience of working with bisexual and gay men that are heterosexually married, I have found that many of them were sexually abused as children, and usually by a male. They rationalize that the reason that they are sexually attracted to men is because they were assaulted as a child. If that had not happened they would not be attracted to men.



There is no evidence that this is true. It is simply a means to validate the internalized homophobia of the victim. This is a very difficult loop for many men to get out of, but it is important to confront their feelings so they may come to terms with the abuse, the abuser and their own sexuality.



The last major long term effect is a tendency toward addictive behaviors. It is common for men in treatment programs or in a 12 step program of some kind to have to deal with the issues of sexual abuse as they are trying to deal with the addiction. The substance or behavior has been a method of self medicating for the man to avoid the feeling that he is still carrying around inside.



In my experience, many men that have been labeled as sexual addicts are in reality experiencing a repetition compulsion. The circumstances of the initial abuse so stimulated them that their young bodies and minds were unable to process or contain the overwhelming sensations. Consequently, they froze inside and they associated sex and sexual feelings with these overwhelming sensations and often feel a power imbalance is part of sex, so they attempt to recreate the situation in an effort to complete the gestalt. They are trying to complete this unfinished experience. The child part of him is trying to find a way out of the loop he is in and to the outside world this often looks like sexual addiction. The acting out behavior could start as a repetition compulsion and turn into an addiction as well.



When a boy has been sexually assaulted, his life changes forever. There can be small to extreme changes in behaviors, moods, and attitudes about people, himself and the world. These feelings do not go away and the impact is not minor regardless of how the boy appears to be taking it. Children do what they need to do to survive. They may feel that their survival depends upon hiding this experience at all costs. Treatment is the only answer to really recovering. Left untreated, the wounds follow the man into adulthood and impact their relationships with everyone. Admitting the pain is terrible, but the victim stands to gain a life without the pain of the abuse. Men can and do heal from childhood sexual abuse.

Women as Perpetrators

Men who had sex with women when they were still young boys are often told that they were lucky to be initiated so young. It is sometimes viewed as a rite of passage that makes him a man. In reality, there is no better way to cripple a boy/man emotionally.

A fifteen year-old girl having sex with a thirty year old man would be recognized pretty clearly as sexual abuse. Reverse the gender and many people would have a more difficult time calling that sexual abuse. There is the belief that girls mature faster than boys. Why then would we assume that a fifteen year old boy would be more emotional ready to handle sex than a fifteen year old girl?

The movie Summer of 42 is often seen as a picture glorifying sex between an older woman and a teenage boy. Upon closer examination, he is overwhelmed and confused by the experience. It was not a good or 'man making' experience.



We have only began talking about and acknowledging female perpetrators in the past few years. They were thought to be the rare event, the exception to the rule. As the cloak of secrecy has been peeled back we are discovering that female perpetrators are not uncommon. For the past year, I have been cutting stories out of the newspaper about female perpetrators. In a majority of the cases, it was the husband and wife, mom and dad, acting in concert, to molest their children. The most recent statistics that I have seen support this sampling as being representative of the overall population.



There are four basic ways that women sexually abuse boys. It is either overt, covert, a sexual violation, or boundary crossing. It can easily include more than one type of abuse.



Overt abuse is similar to what we think of as typical sexual abuse. With a female as the perpetrator this might involve oral sex, intercourse, masturbation, fondling or sexual punishments.



Covert abuse is more difficult to observe. It can include voyeurism, exposure, seductive touching, sexualized hugs, kissing on the mouth in a sexual way, extended nursing that satisfies a sexual need of the mother, or flirting with a male child, possibly to shame or make her husband/partner jealous.



The sexual violation of a child means the invasion of privacy in a sexual area of the body. This may include enemas, bathing together,, washing the child beyond a reasonable age, obsessive cleaning of the foreskin, squeezing pimples, intrusive questions about bodily functions (especially bowel movements), or any activity in which the adult is using the child to fulfill a sexual or erotic desire.



Boundary crossing, which is an essential part of all sexual abuse, deserves special mention because it may be limited to emotional incest or be as complete a violation as a women substituting a boy for a divorced, deceased or simply absent husband. This includes using the boy as a confidant about personal or sexual issues. Mom complaining that dad was a lousy fuck last night is boundary crossing just as much as the 14 year old baby sitter fondling her four year old charge.



The result of this abuse by a woman can be a false sense of power. It inflates the boy to believe that he is more powerful than he really is. He is lead into the false belief that he is in control, not realizing or understanding that he is being used and controlled.



Conversely it can also lead to a feeling of worthlessness. The boy inhales the message that "I have no value, my body is all that has value or what I can do for others." There is no personal sense of value or worthfulness.



The boy is eventually going to feel abandoned and will likely feel betrayed. The woman or girl was not there for him in the first place. When he realizes this, then his picture of what has occurred will change dramatically. After the inflation comes the deflation from the withdrawal and realization that was not about him, that he was only being used. All of this results in rage; rage about the impact upon their sexuality; rage about being used; rage about how it has messed up their relationships with other women; rage at not being able to really trust or let anyone really close.



When a boy is sexually abused, he is often emotionally stuck at the age the abuse began. This was an overwhelming experience and they were incapable of processing or understanding what had happen to them. So they freeze inside or simply push it so far to the background that they can't touch it. Unfortunately, they are shutting off an essential part of themselves that will need to be reclaimed before they are able to trust and heal. So the adult is left with fears of intimacy and loads of insecurity.



For many men, the most devastating blow is the impact upon their relationships with women. The abuse experience can leave them ambivalent about sex and about women. While it can not change their sexual orientation, it will leave them deeply conflicted. Being close to a woman is likely to bring up those old unresolved feelings, those feelings get in the way of having a real relationship in the here and now.



This is a brief overview of the kinds of abuse that some women do to boys and the impact that abuse can have on the boys as they become men. If you have any questions, please send me an email and I will do my best to answer them.




Impact on Relationships



Introduction



The last area that I will write about is the impact of the childhood sexual abuse on the interpersonal relationships of men. Relationships are probably the most affected area of their lives. A boy that is sexual abused, understandably distrusts both the sex of the offender as well as the parents or adults that did not protect him from the offender.



A man who is victimized as a child, unless he is treated, will often live the life of a victim. He will unconsciously set himself up to be the victim time and time again. He will probably not see it, or if he does, will be unable to do anything to stop it.

No matter how promising the job or situation, in a short time he will be a victim. Someone will be after him or everyone will be against him. In relationships, he will pick partners who victimize him or pull to be the victim if the partner does not cooperate. It is the lens though which they see the world, and until the abuse is addressed, it will not change or get better. Childhood experiences can set the tone for a life time.



Memory



Memory is a key issue in child abuse. Some men have very clear memories of being abused. They can tell you how, when and who. For others it is repressed in some ways. There maybe a screen memory covering the actual abuse. For instance a memory of footsteps, a larger-than-life figure and then a memory of leaving their body. The memory of the abuse is repressed, tucked away, because it is too painful and more feelings than the boy can handle. These feelings can be activated through being touched in a certain way, triggered by being in a certain situation, or provoked by a smell that takes him back to that moment when it happened. For some the memories come flooding back, for others it may be a piece of the experience or dark images. The mind will let in what it can handle at the time.



Memory is not perfect. In all circumstances, our memory is framed by the way that we understand the world and how we believe it operates at that time. The younger the child, the less data or experience that he has had to explain the events and their meaning. It is possible to put two things together that in a broader context would be completely unrelated. As a therapist, it is my job to honor the clients feelings and give them a place to express them; not judge whether they are correct or not. The fact that he has the feeling is enough. My goal is to heal the wound and move through the feelings rather than create a victim.



Acting Out



Men often try to cope with the pain of sexual abuse through acting out. One method of acting out is to have psychosomatic or recurring illnesses. The child's strategy is that if you are sick then you are less attractive. It also gives him more attention from others, potentially keeping him safe from the perpetrator(s).



Other forms of acting out include self mutilation, suicide attempts, repetition compulsions, or re-enactment's of the abuse. I have seen many men repeatedly, unconsciously attempt to re-enact the abuse they experienced as a child. One man was in a public bathroom as a boy and a man approached him, exposed himself and masturbated in front of him to climax. The boy grew into a man and spent years going from bathroom to bathroom re-creating this scene. Unconsciously he is attempting to resolve the feelings that so overwhelmed him. Consciously he is recreating the high of the initial sexual experience that it came to represent sexual feelings to him. All of these behaviors impact his relationships and his ability to form and keep relationships.



Sex



A primary complaint that brings couples into therapy is sexual problems in the relationship. This is frequently a sign of one or both partners with a sexual abuse history. When asked about their sexual history most men in this situation remember clearly their sexual experiences as a child. However, he is emotionally disconnected from the experience, or think that it was normal as a child to be used for others' sexual pleasure.



The boy learned to survive the experience and the feelings by disconnecting from sexual emotions and so sex became an experience of having an orgasm and nothing more. Meanwhile, his partner is starving for emotional intimacy. He has no idea what his partners want and if he gets too close to emotional/sexual intimacy, it scares him to death.



Some of the results of a sexual abuse history can include, rigid, mechanical sex, loss of sexual feeling or arousal as they approach sexual contact, sexual promiscuity or sexual anorexia, sexual addiction, taboos against sex at certain times of day, certain places or in certain positions. One man was forced to into submissive sexual postures with his father, trapped between his powerful legs. Anytime that he feels trapped during sex, the sexual abuse feelings are triggered. Another example would be if the abuse happened in the living room as a child. It may be a difficult if not impossible for him to have sex as an adult in the living room.



Probably the most common experience for men who have been abused is leaving his body during sex. This can be just fantasizing in his head during sex to completely leaving the room. His body may still be there, but his conscious self has left, gone into hiding, because something about this situation feels unsafe. This is an example of dissociation.



Relationships with Women



A heterosexual boy sexually abused by a woman, will believe that women are only interested in his body, that he is an object of their satisfaction. This leads to distrusting women. He both loves and hates women. He both wants to be intimate, and is terrified to do so at the same time. Even if the abuser was a man, it can destroy the boys ability to trust anyone sexually. Psychosexually, he may be very young. It is common to be stuck at the emotional age when the abuse happened. Any adult trying to be sexual with him is a threat. This may not be conscious, but it can sabotage a relationship.



Relationships with Men



A boy that is molested by a male will likely avoid relationships with men. Men are seen as potential abusers. All men want is sex. Men cannot be trusted. These are all beliefs that a boy can grow up having about men. I believe that a lot of the homophobia that exists today is the confusion of pedophilia with homosexuality. The vast majority of pedophiles identify as heterosexual. Mom, dad and relatives are the most common perpetrators. Unfortunately, we have tried to scare children with the belief that the strange man on the corner is going to hurt them. While it does happen, homosexuals are not the problem and are simply victimized as well in the process. Consequently, men who were sexually abused as children often have a difficult time having relationships with other men. He has to trust the other to be friends.



Sexual Orientation



While sexual abuse can impact relationships with both men and women, it is particularly difficult for boys that are gay who are molested by men. This can really impact his acceptance of his sexual orientation. I have worked a lot with bi and gay men who are hetrosexually married. In at least 80% of the cases, the man was sexually abused as a child. This sets up a dilemma for the boy-man. He concludes that the only reason that he has these sexual feelings for men is because he was molested. He believes that if he had not been molested, then he would not have sexual feelings for men.



The is a difficult loop for many men to get out of. It confirms his internalized homophobia and leaves many men in a lifetime of pain and misery. He marries hoping these feeling will go away. However, something is missing or they are acting out with men on the side, never coming to terms with their sexuality. When and if they do, it often ends in divorce and many destroyed relationships. A wonderful book on the topic of gay and bi married men and the effect on their relationships is The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Buxton. It is mostly from the spouses point of view, but it is very insightful for both partners.

Being sexually abused as a child does not change the sexual orientation of the child. It can confuse and delay the natural psychosexual development of a child until the abuse is addressed and healed.



Internal Process



A man who was abused as child is wounded. He feels broken or empty inside. He believes that he is unfit to be loved. Either he is unable to get into a relationship or he chooses relationships where he will be used, abused, or in some way continues to be a victim. No amount of love from the outside can fill that hole or emptiness inside. No amount of distractions, like sex, work or eating will make the feeling disappear for more than a short time. The wound has to be confronted and healed from the inside.



The Body



Because the child's body has been assaulted, it is often the body that is used to discourage further attacks. I have described using illnesses, but here I am talking about body building, weight gain, or anorexia as method of making the body unattractive, trying to make it disappear or so intimidating that no one would dare to attack. A body builder may look better than some one who is over weight, but it can be just as much of a defense against intimacy as obesity or emaciation. One difference is that there may be support or acknowledgment for the body building consequently, it may be harder to get past the body armor to get close to the feelings. I am not saying that body building is bad. I think that it can be a useful tool to help a man feel better about himself. But if it is the basis of his sense of safety, then there may be a problem.



Miscellaneous



Finally, I will list a series of symptoms that frequently show up for different men. All are methods of coping and trying to deal with the feelings. They include dissociation, body shyness, excessive clothing, cleanliness compulsion, anxiety, panic attacks, chronic depression and shame.



I want to elaborate on the role shame plays, particularly eroticized shame. Depending upon the experience, boys can experience significant pleasure during the abuse experience. These feelings of pleasure may be combined with shame, guilt, embarrassment, pain, humiliation, confusion and disgust. Not every boy has all of these feelings, but they usually have some combination of them. Given that the abuse is often the first sexual experience that the boy has had, he is imprinted with this potent combination of pleasure and shame. Under normal circumstances these emotions and sensations would not be combined. If they are sufficiently combined in the abuse experience then the boy is programmed to believe that they should always be combined in sex. Shame is one of the more intense emotions that we experience. Combined with sexual pleasure, it is incredibly powerful. For most people this is not a particularly healthy or desirable route to sex and pleasure. Sexual abuse is not the only way to combine these experiences, but it is a common route.



Treatment



Briefly, I want to say a few things about treatment and recovery from sexual abuse. It is possible. The earlier that treatment begins, the better. It is never too late to heal. Recovering for sexual abuse is not fast or particularly easy. There are a lot of pain and feelings that have to emerge and be expressed on the road to recovery. The goal is to recover your childhood, reclaim your body, and heal your self-identity. 



Find a competent psychotherapist, preferably one who has experience working with male victims of sexual abuse. Just because a therapist works with women who were sexually abused does not mean they are experienced working with male victims of sexual abuse. While there is a lot of overlap in treatment, there are substantial differences as well. Individual psychotherapy is the best place to start. Group therapy in addition to individual is very healing. Group work alone is not enough. 



Film Recommendation

The best film that I have seen on the subject of sexually abused boys and the men they become is: The Boys of St. Vincent. I warn you the it is powerful and graphic. However, it does give a great before and after picture like nothing else that I have seen.

A more recent film that I would suggest that you watch is Mysterious Skin.

In Closing

I am happy to answer questions about these articles and hear about your own stories. I can make referrals to therapists in many areas if you do not know where to turn. I hope this series has been helpful and enlightening.

All quotes are taken from : Hunter, Mic (Ed.). (1990). The Sexually Abused Male, Vol. 1: Prevalence, Impact & Treatment. Lexington, MA.: Lexington Books