Bi/Gay Heterosexually Married Men

Gay and bi men that stay married to women

For a variety of reasons, bi and gay men marry and choose to stay married to women. Publicly, family and socially it is easier. They get all the benefits of being married. Also, if a guy is bi, it is much less likely that he has taken the time to really immerse himself in the gay community to really have a deep exclusive emotional/sexual relationship with a man. So he is more likely to on many levels to just see it primarily as a sexual need.

For gay men that stay married, there are also many pressures to do so; religious, family, financial, and just plain old fear of the unknown. One of the earliest stereotypes of being gay is the alone gay man; the funny uncle that never gets to happiness. Most people have the ability to rationalize anything. To end any marriage/relationship especially one of any significant length, takes a lot of courage and a willingness to embrace the unknown. Also it means dealing with the negative internalized images of what it means to be gay and facing the negative images of others.

I have also seen a lot of men stay married in name or legally only to provide benefits for the wife. While I can understand the sentiment, it prevents the wife from moving on and tells her that she is not capable of taking care of herself. And it does not provide her with the incentive to do so. If there should come a time that a divorce is required, the man then has that many more years of marriage that is counted against him from an alimony perspective and divorces do not happen overnight. They can be very drawn out, expensive and emotional exhausting. If you are going to end a relationship, end it. It is kinder to all 99% of the time. Again it also prevents the man from being completely available. As same sex marriage and domestic partnerships become more common why would the gay man not be offering these benefits to his same sex partner? I believe this is a form of internalized homophobia to not be treating each relationship in the same way. What about inheritance, the right to make decisions when you are ill or incapacitated? Staying married to the wife even in name only increasingly complicates a life already complicated enough.

A woman in a marriage just as a man deserves to be loved, wanted and desired. It is not fair to her either to stay in a loveless marriage of convenience, unless both agree to that. It is very painful to be in an empty relationship even if is not acknowledged or addressed. I recommend Amity Buxton’s The Other Side of the Closet to get a better picture of the straight spouse and the issues there.

There are two possible paths to being gay and staying married; one healthy and one unhealthy. First of all it is possible to be faithful and or monogamous in any relationship. If you are not getting your needs met then you either need to suck it up or choose another path. Infidelity does not break up relationships, dishonesty does. Bisexuality is not an excuse to be unfaithful.

The Healthy way

I believe that in order for a gay man to be heterosexually married and have a relationship with a man and I am talking more than sex on the side, the only healthy way to do it is polyamory. Only by having acknowledged relationships can there be the space to grow as people and as a relationship. Polyamory is not easy and it requires all be flexible and there be open ongoing communication. If a man must stay married to a woman and wants his relationships to be healthy I don’t see another option for having a same sex relationships as well.

The Unhealthy ways

There are many more possibilities here. Most who choose to have sex with men while still married to a woman will simply cheat on their wives. They will reduce being gay to simply having sex with men. To simply cheat or have an unacknowledged open relationship is to institutionalize the shame of homosexual sex. It belittles all parties and creates an inherent dishonesty. It stops emotional and personal growth. The price to ones self and partners is very high.

Whether it is an ongoing sexual contact with one person or a hook up in a bookstore, hotel, bathhouse or tea room, they all do the same damage to the self, relationship and others.

Some men create open relationships. On the surface this is a better option. It reduces at least one level of dishonesty, however again it treats the homosexual contact as just sex. It does not allow for or create the opportunity for a real relationship that deepens emotionally and creates trust and vulnerability. At best this creates the age-old situation of having a mistress. Why an open gay man would be comfortable or willing to settle for the crumbs of another relationship is the subject for another article. So what will happen if a married man falls in love with another man and wants a committed relationship? What would that look like if he is still married to a woman?

One option I have seen up close and I see ads for all the time is for two heterosexually married gay men looking for each other to create a secondary relationship that is generally thought to be a closed loop. Again the wives are generally unaware of the secondary relationship and I have seen the couples become best friends. Of course when the wives find out, it usually falls apart. Again the secrecy is damaging to all involved and unhealthy. Dishonesty, especially ongoing dishonesty is a cancer in all the relationships.