Bi/Gay Heterosexually Married Men
Goods and bads of being OUT
Too many gay and bi men, in my experience, have not really downloaded a gay identity. They have sex with men, but have not worked through the shame of being gay. Men are treated as sexual objects, not as complete people or equal partners, like wives. These men are not out to everyone; they may be overly involved in their children’s lives (using their children to get emotional intimacy). They may drink, or use drugs, food or sex to compensate for the shameful feelings inside about their attraction to men. In short, if you are interested in a man who recently came out, you should look for minimal signs that a man has done some work on his inside self:
- Out to family
- Out to work
- Out to friends
- Should have majority of gay male friends
- Out at least a year, preferably two
- Not out to family (there are good reasons, but it can not be done without some degree of internalized homophobia)
- Not out at work (there are reasons, but it can not be done without some degree of internalized homophobia)
- All or most his friends are straight, especially if they are all women (suggests he believes that men are for sex, not intimacy)
- Still married to his wife
- Still living with his mother/parents
Stages of relationship
The first stage of a relationship is the fantasies you have about the other man. It is called limerence. The other man cannot do anything wrong. Things that would normally bother you are suddenly cute. This stage does not last and it is not real nor is it love; it is fantasy about who you think he is and who you want him to be. Because it is fun, many have mistaken it for love, but it is not.
The second stage is losing your illusions about the other man. Once the fantasies start to fade, you start to see who he is. He snores, he always talks about himself, he is competitive, and he puts his mother/pet/car before you. This is where you must ask yourself if you really like who this person is, and can you accept him as he is.
The third stage is when you lose your illusions about who you are, especially in a relationship. If you stay with a person long enough, the relationship becomes a mirror and you get to see who you are. This is the most painful stage, and one that most often destroys the relationship. If you survive this stage, then there is the possibility of a long term loving relationship.
Ways of avoiding emotional intimacy
If a man tells you that his best friend is his child, run. He is telling you that he has emotional incest with his child, that he has no boundaries, and that he is really unavailable for a full relationship with you. He is emotionally taken, and is only looking for a sex partner. You should settle for nothing less than a full relationship. You deserve it.
If his primary relationship is with his pet, then you will probably be in second place in the pecking order. Be concerned about men who are very involved with their dogs. For too many men, their primary emotional relationship is with their pet and they use men in their lives only for sex. You could be well fucked and be very alone. Or they give most, or at least too much, of their affection to their pets rather than their partners. Relationships are hard enough without competition from a third party on the home front.
Ways of avoiding sexual intimacy
- Need to drink alcohol or use drugs before or during sex
- Porn must be used before/during sex to be sexual
- No eye contact before, during or after sex
- As soon as has an orgasm he disconnects and withdraws, takes a shower alone, and leaves the room or premises
- He won’t kiss you or let you kiss him
- Must be in role-play to have sex
- Believes that public displays of affection between men are unacceptable (I am not talking about oral sex on the beach; I am referring to a friendly kiss, or touching each other at all, or any of the other many G-rated ways that couples stay connected in a physical way.)
Bed Death (sexless relationships)
Bed death, or the loss or end of sexual intimacy in a relationship does not just happen to lesbian couples. Many male couples, like their straight and lesbian counterparts, fail to keep the sexual part of their relationship alive. I believe that it is less about boredom and more about the fear or a failure of real intimacy. Many men can be either sexual or intimate, but cannot combine the two. It leads to a lot of sexless relationships that otherwise are loving partnerships.
(Read my longer article on this topic)
The end of sex in a relationship can also be an expression of anger. One partner feels controlled or feels unheard, or not appreciated. Saying no to sex is a method of taking back one’s power or, in a passive/aggressive way, punishing the partner.
Long Distance Relationship
You can learn a lot about a person though emails, phone calls, and visits, but you cannot really know a person until you spend a lot of time with him. To really know a person there is not a substitute for hanging out for months/years together.
In my experience, there is a ten-to 14-month window where two men will either move in together or they will break up. I personally think that it takes two years to really know a person.
What is good sex in a relationship?
The sexual goal of a long-term couple is to deepen the trust between them, and truly open to their own desires and vulnerability. Taking the risk of exposing yourself to your mate, and trusting that he will not reject you but go with you to all the light and dark places inside of you and you in him, is what love ultimately is all about.
New loves are an exercise in discovering the other. With a long-term partner it is about exploring the inner landscape. What really turns you on? Who are you when you completely surrender to the other emotionally, sexually, and spiritually? These questions take time and trust to answer. If you are to succeed, you will understand who you are, and what you really want and need.
Sex is ultimately the communication of love. Learning to communicate with each other takes time, patience and trust. I keep coming back to trust because that is the key. Without it, intimacy is not possible. You cannot sink deep into yourself to explore the depth of your sensation and ultimately yourself.
Finding a relationship
Love is not enough to make a relationship work; it is a starting point. There must be enough compatibly to have a good relationship that feeds you and him in the long run. We have a fantasy that if we love each other enough, it will all magically work out. There are lots of exes and divorcees out there in the world that really love each other, but for whom the relationship did not work out for various reasons.
You need to look for matches in the following areas:
Sex: Are you sexually compatible? Is there a top and a bottom in the relationship, or are each versatile with mutually agreed upon percentages of each? What is the frequency of sex you want, and what are the types of sex you want in the relationship? Do you want a closed or open relationship? Two bottoms or two tops can be a major cause of problems in a relationship. Who is going to flip or be the top? Will both of you get your sexual needs met? Is there enough sexual compatibility to make it work? Not getting your sexual needs met over the long haul is a surefire way to create anger and resentment in a relationship. Are you both flexible enough to let the sexual relationship evolve over time?
Emotional literacy: Can you communicate about feelings and emotions? Do you share a vocabulary and understanding of what is desirable when it comes to the expressing and hearing of feelings?
Goals & aspirations: Do you want the same the same things out of life, whether it is the high-rise condo in the city or a simple life on the farm? Do you both want it or can your compromise so that you both can get enough of what you want to be happy?
Financial agreement: Do you share similar feelings about money, how to spend it, how much to save, what role money plays in your life? How much is enough?
Physical attraction: It is much more important that you fall in love with the person, not just the physical being. However, there needs to be enough physical attraction to keep sexual interest. As a rule, the more that you fall in love with a person, the deeper the attraction and desire.
Lifestyle: Do you want lots of parties? How often do you travel? What kind of cars will you drive? Memberships? Friends?
Family: How do you include family, children from prior marriages, etc? Do you want children? Will one of your parents be welcome to live with you? What role will your ex play in your life? All of these are important questions with different answers for everyone. That is why it is so important to really know who you are trying to have a relationship with. Only time will give you enough information about who he is, and who the two of you are together, to answer these questions.
All of these are important questions with different answers for everyone. That is why it is so important to really know who you are trying to have a relationship with. Only time will give you enough information about who he is, and who the two of you are together, to answer these questions.
Falling in love is easy, being in a successful long-term relationship is much more complicated and requires a lot of thought, patience, love, and negotiation. Take your time, do your homework, and have some love along the way. This is the good part, the payoff of coming out and coming to terms with who you are and what you really need to be happy in life.